Insignificant

The other day I reached into the oven to pull out our dinner. The potholder I was using to protect my hand had been sitting on top of a pot. I think it had gotten a little wet from some steam. Within seconds of me touching the pan, I dropped it back down.

I had burned my finger.
It hurt like crazy, yet at the same time I couldn't help but think at how insignificant my pain was compared to The Nielson's. I know that my blog, as of late, has almost always consisted of Stephanie and Christian...but really I can't seem to get them out of my thoughts.

I have known Christian (or should I Chris...that is what we called him then) since I was in elementary school. He was one of the cute guys at school that every girl (including me) liked. When we 'graduated' from Elementary school we went off to different Junior highs, but met up again in High School. We were never super good friends. We didn't hang out on the weekends, but he was a nice guy. I always considered him a friend.

Last October we had our 10 Year Reunion, and I was able to be a little invovled in the planning process. Christian was our Senior Class President so we were able to catch up a little then. I had come across Stephanies blog a little prior to that, and had fun reading about their family. I was impressed at the things they did as parents to instill traditions in their children. I, myself, want to give my children that same type of security, and strength that comes from creating traditions the kids can look forward to each year. As I read more, I admired Stephanie for her view of life. She has a great way of looking at the positive sides of life. I think I was even jeolous of how joyful she could be when it came to being a mom (because let's face it...it is not always fun!). I met her in person at our reunion, and she was just as sweet in person.
Even though it has been a month since the crash, I think about them every single day. I pray for their children, and families. Last week we went to the "Hope Concert." I was glad that we went, and was amazed at the outpouring of love for these two people. It made me wonder what people would say and do if something like this happened to me and Shawn. Have we lived our lives in such a way that we create such a response? I wonder whose lives I have touched...has it been for good? I know I could do better, but sometimes it is easier to not try so hard.

So for now, I will commit to holding my head a little higher, looking for the positive, hugging my children longer, loving my husband better, and praying for those who need my help. I want to be better, to try harder, to really appreciate all that my Heavenly Father has given me. This whole event has opened my eyes to things that I have taken for granted.

Because really...my life is wonderful. My trials are easy and insignificant compared to others. I am blessed beyond words.

Invisible

We lost our USB cable that I use to transfer my pictures from the camera to the computer. I have pictures from Caden's first days of Pre-school. Once Shawn gets me a new one then I will post about that. Right now I wanted to post this story that my sister sent me in an email the other day. It think that it tells exactly how most mothers feel from time to time, but the ending is beautiful, and reassuring that what we do as mothers is WORTH IT! You guys are AWESOME!

I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more:

Can you fix this?
Can you tie this?
Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being.

I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?"
I'm a satellite guide to
answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?"
I'm a car to order, "Right
around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night,a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."

And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table."

That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home.

And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Before Her Time

I often wonder why some people have to die so young. This past weekend I went to a funeral for a sister of an old high school friend. Julie had told me on the 4th of July that Rebekah and some friends had been in a car accident. I didn’t really hear her right, and asked her if Bekah was going to be okay. That is when she said that she had died instantly. She had been thrown from the car, and then it rolled over her. My heart sank.

Rebekah is the youngest of 9 children. She is the same age of my youngest brother Michael – she would have turned 18 this August. Her sisters, Brooke & Jenna, were my good friends when I was in high school. I can still recall going over to their house numerous times, and being greeted by the ever so boisterous Bekah. She was a sweet girl. It had been years since I had seen her, but the news hit a chord.

Even though I didn’t know the “grown up” Bekah my heart ached for her family. I really felt the need to go to the funeral, and I am so glad that I did. They had a “wake” for a few hours before the actual funeral so I arrived early so I could pay my respects to the family.

I wasn’t ready for the emotions that filled my heart when I saw my old friends. Tears streamed down my face as I embraced them and their family members. There is so much I wished that I could say, but I knew there really was nothing that I could do that would make it better. I was amazed at how strong their family is. I then found myself a seat, and waited for the funeral to begin.

The Turley’s are a very musical family so the program was filled with many wonderful musical numbers. Bekah’s high school choir even performed a number. I was amazed at the attendance for this young girl. We laughed and cried as Brooke, Jenna, and Jessica (another sister) relayed little things about Bekah. She truly was a special girl with a zest for life. She was obviously loved by so many.

It always seems that those who are the most valiant. Those who have so much to offer…are the ones who are taken from us. I often wonder why that has to happen. I know they are in a better place, but it is so hard to see those they left behind. The pain that they have to suffer is great. I am thankful to have the gospel in my life because I feel that it at least helps to lessen the pain a little. The understanding that there is a greater purpose in this life is wonderful. To know that one day they will see their sweet Bekah once more is such a comforting knowledge.

If you can, please say a prayer for this family. They need all the strength they can get. You can also read more about Bekah at this website.

Memorial Day

We had alot of fun today. Holidays are always nice because we get to have Shawn around for the whole day, plus we always try to plan something for all of us to do together. My sister is out of town on that Disney Cruise that we were supposed to be on. (No, I am not bitter!) She has a great pool, and said that we could play at her casa while she was a way, so that is exactly what we planned on doing.

We invited Justin & Karyn and their kids Kent, Mallory, & Eldon along. We had a BBQ and swam to our hearts content. The kids had alot of fun, and it was a nice relaxing day. Afterwards we headed home, and put the kids to bed. They were tuckered out from being in the sun!

My mind was very contemplative today from various things and somewhat subtle things I observed. On the way to my sisters we hit a red light, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a man and two little children making their way across the street to the corner of this busy intersection. In his hand he had a bouquet of flowers, and they stopped at this little white cross that was already surrounded with flowers new and old. For a moment, I was lost in the thought of the circumstances that brought this little family there. Who was this for, and what happened to this person. Whenever I see crosses on the roadside, my heart aches for the family. I wonder how hard it must have been when they were contacted. Or if they were there the day of the accident, and survived. I imagine how hard it is for them to drive by, and see the constant reminder. So on this day, while waiting at this stoplight, I stared at this family surrounding this little white cross, and mourned the loss, and pain that I can only imagine that they were/are feeling.

Later that night, after the kids were in bed. Shawn and I sat down to watch Broken Bridges. I hadn't really heard much about the show, but we like country...and this was made by CMT. I figured if anything it would have good music (Which it does! The song Broken sung by Lindsay Haun is remarkable!). The show was pretty good...not the best, but it was the best way to end Memorial Day. It was based on a small little town that lost 5 soldiers to a training accident. The main character, Kelly Preston, had been estranged from her family for years, and finally came home for the funeral...and in the process, found herself again. Here is the music video of Broken...definately worth the watch!

There was a part in the movie where the mother was going through her son's things. I was again lost in thought about the pain that so many have to bear. I am so thankful for the brave people that have the courage to defend our country. I honestly don't think that I would be able to do it! I am a coward! I admire all those mothers, wives, and families that are part of the military. They too are braver than I could imagine. We truly are blessed by these soldiers. Our lives are what they are because of their sacrifice to defend our country. I will be forever thankful.

Uggh!

It is hard to describe how I have been feeling lately. I feel like I have been at a standstill. There are so many things that I want to do, to accomplish, but for some reason none of it is happening. At times I feel like I am stuck in a glass box, watching everyone around me go places...but I am stuck inside. For those of you who are regular readers you probably have noticed the lack of posting. I am sick of the rut that I have been in and there are many changes that I need to make....but with everything...it takes time. I have had many things on my mind, but haven't had the time to get them all down.

A few days after I got back I received a phone call from a woman in my ward (church). I called her back and was floored when she asked if I would be able to substitute teach for Relief Society (class for women). I have never done this before and was absolutely terrified, but said I would do it. Little did I know that the lesson that was assigned would be the thing that I needed most. The topic was "Prayer, the Passport to Spiritual Power"

As I read through the lesson, I felt so inadequate to even give this lesson. To tell the truth...I am really bad at saying my prayers. I don't know why, but I am. I know how important it is to pray, yet night after night I will go to bed without dropping to my knees. This lesson humbled me, and helped me realize that there are many things that need prioritizing. I love my Heavenly Father...I would be nothing without him, and I feel terrible that I haven't turned to him more.

I feel like a hypocrite at times. I go to church faithfully every week. I take the sacrament. I will talk about how important the gospel is to me. How I can't live without. Deep down it is true...I know, but my actions are half spent. I know prayer is important - vital! I know that I am a stronger person when I pray regularly. So why do I struggle with it so much!? I need to do better.

I think that is why my life has been so crazy lately. I have failed to acknowledge His hand in all that I do. Since last week I have made a commitment to take more time. To reflect, to ponder, and thank the Lord for everything that I have. I can already see a difference, and I am making a goal to do better. It is funny how well He knows us. He knows exactly what we need, and this lesson was the swift kick in a butt that was long overdue.

Anyway, Sorry for the pity party...on to other things. I had a blast on our vacation, but was kinda bummed that I was gone for the majority of the Ultimate Blog Party. I feel like I will never be able to catch up with all the people that are on that Mr. Linky. I will try to get through some each day, but I think I will be trying to get through the list for weeks. I hope to get a post up about some of the blogs I have already found, that I have bookmarked. There are some fun ladies out there.

Things are finally starting to get back to normal, and I am looking forward to the next few weeks. It is good to be back...and hopefully I will get out of this rut!

The Countdown

In a little over a week, Shawn and I will have been married for 7 years! I can not believe how fast time has flown by. A couple of months ago we were trying to figure out what we wanted to do. In the past we haven't done much...usually we would go out to dinner, or I would make something special, but it was never anything really big. Ever since we got married I have been dying to go on a cruise for a few reasons:

• I have always heard how much fun they can be


• I say that my husband has "post partum money depression" (once he makes purchases he totally worries about it, and gets "depressed" because things cost so much)
  
• My husband's 'condition' makes it hard for him to enjoy a vacation because he is constantly adding up the costs of things - going on the cruise alleviates this because the majority of the vacation cost is paid for!


• They seem romantic

I "work" for an airline (I say "work" because I bid a full line every month, but then give all my trips away so I can stay home with the kiddo's). The beauty of working in the airline industry is you get a lot of discounts with all travel related things. I get weekly emails from a web based travel agency that negotiates discounts for hotels, cruises, and other things for airline employees. I started keeping my eye out for the "deal", and then one day it arrived!

A seven night cruise in HAWAII for $299!!!!!!

So yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I jumped on that bandwagon and started lobbying for hubby's agreement that we just HAD to book this cruise! I had to make many phone calls to line up family to take care of our babies while we were away...and then we booked it!!! Yippee!! I was so excited! We get to go on a cruise for our anniversary -- without the kids! I have been floating on cloud nine for months just waiting for when we get to go!

Now it is around the corner, and some reality has set in. Since Caden has been born (he is now 3 1/2) we have never been on a vacation with out them. We have always taken them everywhere we go. Part of me knows that it is long overdue...I need a break. The other part is going to miss my babies so much.

I was reading Dandelion Mama the other day. I was able to relate to her post about Sleeping in Seattle. I sometimes daydream of days without fulfilling the constant needs that my children have. Being able to have adult conversation without having to chase my kids in the process. Yet at the same time I grip to the very thing for dear life. It is a constant tug of war.

I know that it will be a good thing to get away from the kids. To rejuvenate as a couple, and make memories alone like we did before we had kids. All the books say how vital it is to define yourself as a person...not just a mom. I want to to that, but being a mom is who I am. I have been with my babies since the day they were born. I am there when they need food, diaper changes, when they hurt themselves, I tuck them in bed, and tend to their every need. I do everything for them. Yes, they have been taken care of by others to go on dates, appointments and such, but never for days at a time. The thought of someone else being able to provide that for them when I am gone makes me a little sad. I think that is what is hard. Admitting that there are others out there that can fulfill their needs, and they can survive without me.

I think I sometimes have a hard time identifying myself without my children. To think of going somewhere without having to make sure the diaper bag is stocked is such a foreign thing it almost scares me! I also feel somewhat guilty admitting that I actually will have a good time because in someways it makes me feel like I am betraying the love I have for my children. I will ask myself, "If you really loved your children why would you WANT to get away from them!?"

Since the day Caden was born, I knew my life would never be the same. I would be forever changed by this little baby that I held in my arms. My life has gotten so much fuller. My heart is brimming with love and gratitude for my children. I would do anything for them to be happy. There are days when life is perfect. Then there are days when craziness sets in. Lets face it..we all need a break from time to time.

That is why we need to go on this cruise. Yes, I will miss my babies. Yes, the thought of someone else taking care of them scares me. Yes, I know they will be fine. If I admit to having more fun without my kids...does that make me a bad mom? I don't think so. I think that it means that I love my kids enough to find out who I am with out them. I think every mom deserves that. I will forever be a Mom, but I will also forever be Crystal. I think it is important to remember who we are...let our children see that we love life, and that they can too....without us.

On My Mind

So I really haven't posted anything with any meat lately. That is because I have had alot on my mind these last couple of days. I try to write something that I feel would be amusing, a little funny, and entertaining but what has been on my mind is nothing of the sort. Yet it is all I have been thinking about so my muse for bloggin' was next to nothin'. I felt like I just need to get all my thoughts out so I can get on with life, and start feeling better. Please know in this post that these are my personal opinions and I am in no way trying to offend anyone. I am not trying to push my beliefs, but just stating what is on my brain!

I recently found out that a dear friend of mine decided to leave the church. For those of you who don't know I am LDS or Mormon as what we are better known as. I know there are many out there that don't believe the same way as I do...and that is okay. I believe that everyone has a right to worship as they choose. I feel the same way for my friend, yet at the same time I am deeply saddened by the choice.

It is not always easy to be a member of the church. There are many expectations and responsibilities that come with it. We are asked to refrain from alot of things that are considered okay in our society. We don't drink alcohol, are asked not to watch R-rated movies, no coffee, etc. Some people think we are weird, some think we are a cult, and some like us but don't believe some of the principles that are taught. We are asked to give 10% of our income for tithing. We are "called" to serve in different positions in the church. To give our time and talents when asked. I could go on with many things that we are asked to do and not to do, but I won't.

I was born and raised in the church. It has been part of me my entire life. I know with all of my heart that this is where I need to be. I guess that is why it was so hard for me to learn about my friend. I have spent too many days with thoughts running through my mind as to why this had to happen. Why my friend felt it necessary to delve into early church doctrine to try to disprove its authenticity. I don't really agree with the findings, but they know that. What I do know is that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. I know that he lives. I am so thankful for his sacrifice for me and everyone else on this earth. I am so thankful for the blessings in my life, and the great influence that the church has had on me. I would not be the same person without it.

I have just been so confused because I know at one point my friend had a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I know because this person told me. I watched as this person served a mission, and got letters telling of the wonderful time they were having, and how blessed they were to teach others about the gospel, and how they knew what they were doing was right. And then I sat and listened as I was told that they never really believed, and always had issues they didn't agree with. It just broke my heart because the gospel is so important to me, and at one point in time to this person...and now it is not.

It is kinda funny because I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters, many of which have either left the church or have struggled with inactivity (that is the word used for someone who goes to church off and on) yet their decision didn't hit me as hard as my friends did. I don't know why I let it effect me so much. I guess I just never thought it would happen and then it did, and it shocked me to the core. I bawled for days, lost alot of sleep, and have let it consume me trying to understand. I probably will never understand, but that is okay. I can't control my friend, but I can still be a friend. That is what I plan to do. It hurts, but I know they are happy...and I can't be hurt about that.

If this person happens to read this I hope that they know that I will always be there. I will never like them less, and am glad that they found something to be passionate about. Hopefully, I didn't say anything to make you mad - it was not my intention. I just had to get this off my chest. I think that you expected a reaction like this, and that is why you waited so long to tell me, but I am glad you told me. Know I may never understand your decision, but I respect it. I love you guys with all of my heart and nothing you do or say will ever change that.

Bow Making and Other Random Thoughts

Yesterday I went to a bow making class. I know it sounds a little silly, but I figured with having a girl I need to learn how to make them myself. I had been buying them from a friend of mine, but it will be alot cheaper to make them on my own. At the class they were talking about how people will sell these for $25 bucks!!! That is so crazy - I don't think I could bring myself to pay that much for a bow! We learned how to make three different styles. The layered, side-by-side, and the Jenny bow. These are the 3 I made. I think they turned out pretty good! I am excited to try to make some more. I went to the class with my friend Karyn. She is awesome. Our husbands are good friends from high school. Caden and their son Kent are about 3 weeks apart. It was nice to get away and do something fun for our evening.

Yesterday, Shawn forgot his wallet at home, so we drove to his work and met him for lunch. He was going to have someone else buy him lunch, but I thought it would be fun to go and see him. Shawn's work is only about 15-20 minutes away from our house, but he acts like I am having to drive to another state to come and see him. I think he actually likes us to come, but for some reason thinks it is a waste of time. I love to go see him, and so do the kids.

On the drive over I was kinda entertained by Sydney, and soon found myself in a deep thought. As soon as Syd gets into the car she immediately starts to try to take her shoes off. I don't know why...I guess it just gives her something to do. The problem is she never seems to do it in the right steps, and because of this gets very frustrated. Her shoes are actually quite simple to take off. All she has to do is Velcro strap that goes across the top of the shoe and then they will just slip off. Instead she tugs and screams for quite sometime and then finally manages to pull one off. She then smiles with pride that she got one accomplished. Soon after the crying ensues as she moves on to the next shoe....more smiles....and then the cycle begins again as she goes for her socks.

I began to think about this cycle that she seems to go through almost everytime we get into our car. It is such a funny thing to me. Children are so lucky because they are so innocent. They have no real awareness of the world around them. If they don't like the way things are going they let you know....they never hold back, and are for the most part honest. There are times when I am doing things that I would love to scream and cry until I figure it out. Then after I get all of the screaming and crying out of the way I can beam with pride when my final goal is accomplished. Sometimes I think as adults we bottle up alot of feelings and emotions that we should let go. Maybe next time I am head to head with something I can't seem to figure out I will try "letting go"... but probably not if I am in public - I don't want anyone to think I am crazy. :)