Spelling it out...

Back in October, Caden came home with a letter.  Every week he gets a new list of spelling words.  Each week we practice them, and usually take a 'mock' test.  This particular week I was not able to be there to do the mock test.  Shawn did it with him, and he wrote the words in this green notebook. 

Somehow this notebook ended up going with him to school...and this was the result.

I was extremely saddened, and somewhat embarrassed, but we had a talk.  We talked about how cheating is dishonest, and not something we should do.  I thought he understood.  That was until today...when he came home with this...

Needless to say I was/am dissapointed.  Not only did he get a zero for thoday...I have no idea how long he has been doing this.  I am so sad that he has felt like it was okay to do this and for so long.  The crazy thing is that he KNOWS these words!  In fact, for the test today we had practiced them, and he recited me the spelling of them.  For whatever reason, when it came to actually taking the real test he panics, and feels like he can't get them right and this was the only answer. 

Then comes the "Mom Guilt"...this year I have had loads of it.  I feel like between getting pregnant, and Caden getting sick in December...I have been living in a blur.  Just trying to survive the day.  I hate feeling that way.  Not having the energy or motivation to really do what I 'think' I should be doing for my kids.  This note has got me baffled...

Where in the world did I go wrong?   I am trying to figure out how to really handle this.  Not only did he get caught today, but it was clear that he had been doing this for months!  Each week I would congratulate him for his spelling test...yet he was CHEATING, and then lying to us.  I just don't get it.  How do I help him understand that it is okay to miss some?  That he doesn't have to get everything right.  He was so afraid to get them wrong he felt this was the only solution!  The part that gets me is that he knows that it was wrong, but in the same breath...doesn't seem to feel really bad about it. 

I know he is only in the 1st grade, and maybe it was somewhat innocent because ultimately he just wants to be good.  That is the problem...he wants so badly to be good that he makes bad choices thinking they are okay.  He is so afraid of making mistakes, and getting things wrong.  What can I do to help him?  Part of me wants to just yell at him because I can't believe that it has been going on for so long...but I know in the end anger will do nothing.  I just want him to understand that I love him...that he doesn't have to be perfect.  I want him to have confidence in himself to know that he really is a smart kid!  He doesn't need a 'cheat sheet'!  

Have you ever had a cheater?? How did you handle it?