Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Our Conversation

One of our engagement pics


For those of you just 'checking' in...I have been trying to document "Our Love Story" in honor of our 10 year anniversary this Friday. Just click on the link above to read the other segments. :)

"I'm sorry...what did you say?" I knew it was coming, but secretly hoped it wouldn't...I tried to act like I didn't know what he was talking about.

"My email, did you get it?"

"Which one (he sent me lots of emails)?" Again I professed ignorance. I was trying to dodge the inevitable. Then he just said it anyway...

"Well, I decided when I say goodbye to you I am going to say "I love you"....because that is how I feel"

There it was again. Crap...what am I going to say.

"Ummmm...well....Thanks. I am glad you feel that way, but I can't really say that right now." (imagine crickets chirping)

I felt awful. Was he going to hate me? Did I totally hurt him by not returning it with an "I love you, too." ?

I went on to explain. It wasn't like I didn't care for him. I did...but I wanted to make sure that I actually loved him before I told him. In my past relationships, I immediately felt like I LOVED the guy. Yet, in reality, I really had no idea what love really was. I was finally strong enough to not let myself go. To not just say I love you because he told me that too. I didn't want to lie to myself or to him. So I couldn't say it back.

For whatever reason, Shawn didn't seem to care. From that night forward, and any time we shared a conversation...he always told me 'I love you'. For me, that was a very humbling experience. How in the world could this guy continue giving with out getting anything in return?

My heart knew what it wanted, but my mind was holding tight....that is, until I got his tape.

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1 people know I LOVE comments!:

Rhi said...

Your story is awesome. I have enjoyed the read. I think it is funny that you said "thanks" after he said he loved you. I totally did that too because I wasn't ready to say without meaning it. We tend to think it's the girl that says it first but I guess we buck the trend. Happy Anniversary on Friday.

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