The Countdown

In a little over a week, Shawn and I will have been married for 7 years! I can not believe how fast time has flown by. A couple of months ago we were trying to figure out what we wanted to do. In the past we haven't done much...usually we would go out to dinner, or I would make something special, but it was never anything really big. Ever since we got married I have been dying to go on a cruise for a few reasons:

• I have always heard how much fun they can be


• I say that my husband has "post partum money depression" (once he makes purchases he totally worries about it, and gets "depressed" because things cost so much)
  
• My husband's 'condition' makes it hard for him to enjoy a vacation because he is constantly adding up the costs of things - going on the cruise alleviates this because the majority of the vacation cost is paid for!


• They seem romantic

I "work" for an airline (I say "work" because I bid a full line every month, but then give all my trips away so I can stay home with the kiddo's). The beauty of working in the airline industry is you get a lot of discounts with all travel related things. I get weekly emails from a web based travel agency that negotiates discounts for hotels, cruises, and other things for airline employees. I started keeping my eye out for the "deal", and then one day it arrived!

A seven night cruise in HAWAII for $299!!!!!!

So yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I jumped on that bandwagon and started lobbying for hubby's agreement that we just HAD to book this cruise! I had to make many phone calls to line up family to take care of our babies while we were away...and then we booked it!!! Yippee!! I was so excited! We get to go on a cruise for our anniversary -- without the kids! I have been floating on cloud nine for months just waiting for when we get to go!

Now it is around the corner, and some reality has set in. Since Caden has been born (he is now 3 1/2) we have never been on a vacation with out them. We have always taken them everywhere we go. Part of me knows that it is long overdue...I need a break. The other part is going to miss my babies so much.

I was reading Dandelion Mama the other day. I was able to relate to her post about Sleeping in Seattle. I sometimes daydream of days without fulfilling the constant needs that my children have. Being able to have adult conversation without having to chase my kids in the process. Yet at the same time I grip to the very thing for dear life. It is a constant tug of war.

I know that it will be a good thing to get away from the kids. To rejuvenate as a couple, and make memories alone like we did before we had kids. All the books say how vital it is to define yourself as a person...not just a mom. I want to to that, but being a mom is who I am. I have been with my babies since the day they were born. I am there when they need food, diaper changes, when they hurt themselves, I tuck them in bed, and tend to their every need. I do everything for them. Yes, they have been taken care of by others to go on dates, appointments and such, but never for days at a time. The thought of someone else being able to provide that for them when I am gone makes me a little sad. I think that is what is hard. Admitting that there are others out there that can fulfill their needs, and they can survive without me.

I think I sometimes have a hard time identifying myself without my children. To think of going somewhere without having to make sure the diaper bag is stocked is such a foreign thing it almost scares me! I also feel somewhat guilty admitting that I actually will have a good time because in someways it makes me feel like I am betraying the love I have for my children. I will ask myself, "If you really loved your children why would you WANT to get away from them!?"

Since the day Caden was born, I knew my life would never be the same. I would be forever changed by this little baby that I held in my arms. My life has gotten so much fuller. My heart is brimming with love and gratitude for my children. I would do anything for them to be happy. There are days when life is perfect. Then there are days when craziness sets in. Lets face it..we all need a break from time to time.

That is why we need to go on this cruise. Yes, I will miss my babies. Yes, the thought of someone else taking care of them scares me. Yes, I know they will be fine. If I admit to having more fun without my kids...does that make me a bad mom? I don't think so. I think that it means that I love my kids enough to find out who I am with out them. I think every mom deserves that. I will forever be a Mom, but I will also forever be Crystal. I think it is important to remember who we are...let our children see that we love life, and that they can too....without us.