On My Mind

So I really haven't posted anything with any meat lately. That is because I have had alot on my mind these last couple of days. I try to write something that I feel would be amusing, a little funny, and entertaining but what has been on my mind is nothing of the sort. Yet it is all I have been thinking about so my muse for bloggin' was next to nothin'. I felt like I just need to get all my thoughts out so I can get on with life, and start feeling better. Please know in this post that these are my personal opinions and I am in no way trying to offend anyone. I am not trying to push my beliefs, but just stating what is on my brain!

I recently found out that a dear friend of mine decided to leave the church. For those of you who don't know I am LDS or Mormon as what we are better known as. I know there are many out there that don't believe the same way as I do...and that is okay. I believe that everyone has a right to worship as they choose. I feel the same way for my friend, yet at the same time I am deeply saddened by the choice.

It is not always easy to be a member of the church. There are many expectations and responsibilities that come with it. We are asked to refrain from alot of things that are considered okay in our society. We don't drink alcohol, are asked not to watch R-rated movies, no coffee, etc. Some people think we are weird, some think we are a cult, and some like us but don't believe some of the principles that are taught. We are asked to give 10% of our income for tithing. We are "called" to serve in different positions in the church. To give our time and talents when asked. I could go on with many things that we are asked to do and not to do, but I won't.

I was born and raised in the church. It has been part of me my entire life. I know with all of my heart that this is where I need to be. I guess that is why it was so hard for me to learn about my friend. I have spent too many days with thoughts running through my mind as to why this had to happen. Why my friend felt it necessary to delve into early church doctrine to try to disprove its authenticity. I don't really agree with the findings, but they know that. What I do know is that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. I know that he lives. I am so thankful for his sacrifice for me and everyone else on this earth. I am so thankful for the blessings in my life, and the great influence that the church has had on me. I would not be the same person without it.

I have just been so confused because I know at one point my friend had a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I know because this person told me. I watched as this person served a mission, and got letters telling of the wonderful time they were having, and how blessed they were to teach others about the gospel, and how they knew what they were doing was right. And then I sat and listened as I was told that they never really believed, and always had issues they didn't agree with. It just broke my heart because the gospel is so important to me, and at one point in time to this person...and now it is not.

It is kinda funny because I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters, many of which have either left the church or have struggled with inactivity (that is the word used for someone who goes to church off and on) yet their decision didn't hit me as hard as my friends did. I don't know why I let it effect me so much. I guess I just never thought it would happen and then it did, and it shocked me to the core. I bawled for days, lost alot of sleep, and have let it consume me trying to understand. I probably will never understand, but that is okay. I can't control my friend, but I can still be a friend. That is what I plan to do. It hurts, but I know they are happy...and I can't be hurt about that.

If this person happens to read this I hope that they know that I will always be there. I will never like them less, and am glad that they found something to be passionate about. Hopefully, I didn't say anything to make you mad - it was not my intention. I just had to get this off my chest. I think that you expected a reaction like this, and that is why you waited so long to tell me, but I am glad you told me. Know I may never understand your decision, but I respect it. I love you guys with all of my heart and nothing you do or say will ever change that.